If you do not wish to buy from Amazon, you may purchase directly from the publisher by clicking the button below:

Special: $ 5.00, free shipping
(U.S. only, email if not U.S.)

Send us email!

Janet L. Lazo-Davis

Dan T. Davis


Second Star Creations

Infertility’s Anguish

Everyone Else Is Pregnant, Why Not Us?

Exploring the Emotions of Infertility

by Jan & Dan Davis


Welcome to the infertility journey. All of us are reluctant members of this traveling group. If at any point, you are able to leave us, please do so. We will happily wave you on to your freedom as we continue down the path, hoping that some day we too can leave the road of infertility.

Infertility? Who fits in such a group?

Many of us do. We apply the definition of infertility to any couple that is not able to conceive a child, give birth to a child, or have a child that lives past infancy. Consider the scenarios below:

  • A couple has decided they would like a child and has unprotected sex for a year. No pregnancy occurs. They now start dealing with the precise timing of cycles and worry whether medication or surgery will be necessary to correct the problem.
  • A woman has no trouble getting pregnant, but she can’t carry to term. She and her husband endure one or several miscarriages, never having a baby.
  • A woman has a medical issue (endometriosis, tubal pregnancy, etc.) that leaves her with permanent damage to her reproductive systems. Or a man is sterile.
  • A couple has a child, but cannot seem to have another.

The group of people who can call themselves infertile is large and the causes of infertility are varied. The only ticket to admission is the desire for a child that you cannot seem to have.

We are at the beginning of this infertility journey. Let’s explore together the trials and tribulations that we may have to experience. Together, because the main point of this book is that we are not traveling alone; there are many who walk this road.

* * *

Few of us start out with the idea that we might be infertile, or have trouble having children. Even when you are a young child, there is an expectation in our society that some day you will have children.

As children, we play at being either a mommy or a daddy. Admittedly, the Daddies are often forced into the role by the Mommies, but that only serves to emphasize how society places us in our roles at an early age. Even in single parent families or extended families the concept is passed on to children that big people have and raise little people.

When you get old enough to realize how little people come about, you also realize that you can have one. The concept that you cannot have one is rarely considered. If you decide to be sexually active before marriage, the idea of becoming pregnant or making someone pregnant is scary. It’s not time yet to have children, but engaging in sex opens up the idea that it might happen.

Thus, as we grow up, most of us perceive ourselves as able to have children, and either ignore it, deal with it through preventive measures, or abstain from sex because it could lead to having children.

There are many forces in society that teach us we can have children; in fact, many believe it is somewhat of a God-given right.

Since it is such a fundamental expectation, some of us delay having children until our late twenties or thirties. Why not? Since we can choose when to have a family, we will certainly be able to say: “We decided to wait to have kids until I was twenty-eight. Then we decided to get pregnant with little Jimmy.”

We expect that having little Jimmy will be just as planned an event as getting married, going to college, or deciding what to have for dinner.

Realizing that you are infertile usually comes gradually, rather than suddenly or violently. Even so, it still comes as a surprise. Finding out that you are infertile is not much different than being diagnosed as having a debilitating disease, realizing you can’t find a new job quickly, or determining that a loved one is exhibiting signs of Alzheimer’s.

In any of these situations, the natural reaction is one of denial: “This isn’t supposed to happen to me.” It is a shift from the expected, a realization that we are going to have to deal with something that we never thought of having to deal with.

Infertility is an insidious realization; one that grows within us over time, as we either fail to get pregnant, or find ourselves unable to bring a child to term. For some couples a quick and accurate diagnosis may result in a faster realization of the problem, but still, one has to get to the point where a diagnosis is sought. Others simply continue to try, and wonder more and more what is wrong, but refrain from getting a diagnosis. And for some couples, children simply don’t arrive, and no doctor can say exactly why.

The teenage years of worrying about having children, or even the early married years of worrying about having children too soon, suddenly shift into “Why aren’t we having children?”

After a time, this becomes a nagging worry. And then a strange fear that sits in the pit of your stomach each time you or your spouse (or your significant other) has a menstrual period.

Soon a period becomes a death knell that occurs every month or so, depending on your regularity. It becomes a death in the sense that you have not produced new life, regardless of how hard you tried. It is a symbol of failure. It is a statement that you have once again failed at something that you have always been told is not only normal, but easy to do. Meanwhile, all of your friends, relatives, and co-workers are having children. Everyone else is pregnant. Everyone else has kids!

Insidiously, infertility has crept into your life. At some point, the denial disappears, and you perceive yourself as infertile.

As different from others.

Whether you like it or not, you are now in a new group of people you never thought you’d belong to. Often you feel that you are alone in that category, because just as you are hesitant to share your problems; so are others in the group.

But you are not alone.

Knowing that doesn’t change your situation, but maybe it can help you understand your reactions to the fact that you are unable to have a child and deal with it better. We have now embarked on our journey down the road of infertility.

In numbers there can be strength.

Copyright © 1998 - 2004 All rights reserved.

Updated: October 24, 2003